all u need to do is unwind ur mind and see

ive never put my ideas into a piece like this since last summer.

also i hate how the media makes females that have to be so pretty and thin. everythings only about looks now. what happens if its just a girl that you love and you love everything about her body. we really should be like animals on the bed and not be afraid to let go or be loose. but media and porn make that to seem slutty, and they have girls admiring to scandalous celebraties! everything is fucking just about looks i really can't fucking take it i might explode.

i also think that theres a mind-nulling power thats controlling the media is that they are erally making younger generations only rely on media., which makes them watch a bunch of t.v. now my younger sister is from that younger generation and they're making the celebraties good girls (that are proper and fill the superficial checklist) that aren't .0000001 as bad as the celbraties in the 20s. in the 20s celebs had sex all the tme wtf! and miley cyrus is being bombarded with all this sex madness i don't udnerstand we're ruining our world.

(just made title of blog at this point btw)
idk if this made sense... trying to show you how sad things are and how i see it. but i'm finding the peace within myself. i've come to accept it and really eralize getting smart is the only way i can help this crisis. getting smart and reading between the lines of eerything and being around smarter people who've realized this too, hopefully not in a mental asylum(since i may sound crazy). but i really think that's how fucked up our world has become its so sad. everyone please unwind their mind. and see how they doin u dirty

this is why i want to hang out with older people

older people that realize this fucked up world we live in and just want to be forever young, live it up, party it up, rebel and go hard or go home!

i think the government is enforcing the media to create a society (my generation) of a bunch of goodie too-shoes who don't do drugs or have the capacity to expand their minds (and think for themselves) and have views of their own. people in our generation are so mindless and stick to technology 24/7, espicially in my age range. even the sophomores in my school. only the juniors and seniors of the school do a normal amount of drugs. but when you think about it, my older generation of friends that are cool do a shit load of wreckless shit. THey havce stronger opinions than us and actually have friends and relationships. Like, they interact with one another and in the 60s 70s there was nothing to do so they'd trip and start revolutions and fight for peace but the man tries to stick them up. I've never watched the biggie movie, but maybe the govt put biggie on the street to start making drugs popular and put drug the citizens in a negative world where cash rules everything around them[or there culd be an organization trying to stop this money thing after the industrial revolution:)] idk wtf i'm saying i'm smackeysmacked

or vice versa, being that the media is trying to make us mindless idiots so we can be a nation of zombie consumers. which might be the case, because the whole capitalist system is being globalized right now. which means there's an issue here that's bigger than the earth's power and beauty.

and whoever's in on it... i want in!

super paranoid like a sixth sense
since my father died i ain’t been right since
and i tried to piece the puzzle of the universe
split an eighth of shrooms just so I can see the universe
i try to think about myself as a sacrifice
just to show the kids they ain’t the only ones who up at nite
the moon will illuminate my room and soon i’m consumed by my doom

i told you i'd be a handful since day one

you just haven't found out til now. You think I'm immature and you're so much better than me. But I've been 10 steps ahead of you and ima hear you crash, but i'll be too far ahead
and if you don't crash, good for you. ignorance is bliss

so i've reached an alltime low

because of all the drunk/addie hungry nights this week... when i eat an actual meal i throw up. the price to pay for overindulging in mcdonalds. can u blame me in this obsessive capitalist world we live in? :-(

Stewart

I feel so bad. I never stepped back to look at how you're feeling because I'm just this stubborn strongly-opinionated bitch that's living in a world that resolves around myself. I never took the time to appreciate you for loving me when it must be so hard to love somebody that's constantly thinking about their own self, life, and future. But i don't think it's always been like this... I kind of blame you for the problem at hand.

It's so hard to keep our relationship like ours healthy, especially a 4-year one. When I met you, you were a boy that found pleasure in the simplest things in life (I kind of robbed you of that). I've never seen a cute boy, stunting with soooo much fucking swag, with your award winning smile that didn't scream "look at my ego". And your confident introduction, "youz a sexy", won me over. At that point I envisioned you to be a brave man with confidence, that wouldn't let anything get in the way of getting what he wanted. After we started dating, I showed you what success felt like. And in doing so I showed you that I really wasn't your typical girl(Don't blame me for that shit because I warned you from the get-go). You saw me as a girl that would do anything to succeed, and knew how to do it. I appeared to be very well-rounded with my smile and my daily new bags/outfits. You can correct me if I'm wrong but, when you saw that 90 on your report card you knew that I was doing something right. I never thought of circumstances like that to be detrimental to our relationship, but they are. Babe, you let me step into your life and show you how to lead it. In my opinion, nobody has ever pushed you to be the best. The more I fiddle into the way you live your life, the more you back away from it. I'm sorry, I never knew I was silencing you out from the rules of your own life. That's never what I intended to do! In fact, that's the last thing I'd want you to do.I'm just a little controlling because i never want you to stop being your best. I want you to have your own mission and strive for that shit. I want you to have strong opinions, and to back that shit up with smart, factual logic. I want you to have your own dreams, except dream bigger. I want you to work harder than you could ever even imagine. I want us to inspire each other and always try to do big shit, the way all-star power couples are like. Because aren't we supposed to push out the best of each other?

Most importantly, I want you to put me in check. You let me get away with shit that ain't fly. Allowing me to get away with cheating is not okay. And I have a tendency of saying some OD reckless shit. (Although, the partying when you're not available IS acceptable.) You let me get away with that because I say that I'm doing me and I can't change it. I never realized it was my way of crying for help. I want to see if you could outsmart me... to give me that positive perspective of life. The positive perspective I got from your glowing smile. Where did that luster go?

Ironically my negative attitude is like a disease I spread to you, when I envisioned you to be my vaccine. It's ultimately my fault for the way the two of us become--Me: a spoiled brat that never thinks about the consequences of my actions; And, you: a lesser version of yourself. I'm sorry for hurting us, i'm sorry for you constantly telling me this and me not even attempting to listen. I'm sorry for the effect my cheating had on your view of me.

I'm sorry for not understanding why you weren't there after my father's death. I present my life to you in a way that makes it seem like I'm very hard to please. Like, I'm living in my own elite world and you're not going through this shit so what the fuck would you know about it. What the fuck were you supposed to do after my father's death? That shit doesn't even happen like, I still can't even believe that was real life. I never talked to you about my feelings because I was just caught up in myself. I never even realized how it must have affected you. You were discovering the horrible truths hidden in the life of an admirable Indonesian Business Man. I believe that your 2-week absence was my fault because I constantly tell you to let me deal with my issues on my own. I don't want to place a burden on you. All i want to do is just be with you. The boy that knew the right spots to hit (emotionally, sexually, and stomachly) to let me know that somebody cares about me. Somebody that cares to know about me. Somebody cares about making me happy in the smallest way possible. But, in trying to perfect you, all I do is point out each of your flaws to nag you in every possible way. Basically what I'm saying is, if I didn't mess you up we wouldn't be messed up. Because I don't need your perfection, I don't need you to be an anal bitch like me. All I want, and all i enjoy, from you is... you. And I've pushed your 'you' aside. Babe come back to me and give me the spanking I need. Stop letting me silence you out and stop letting me win. You spoil me too damn much.
I love you boo and I'm always going to. You're always what I need to give me that warm feeling in my stomach, not this icebox where my heart used to be. I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold... and you're the only one that can light my fire. For real talk.

I really do want to get out of this "elite" mind phase because it's too fucking lonely. I'm getting deeper into this isolation which is causing me to have more deep, hurt, suppressed feelings. The longer we go without having a deep-substantial talk, the more I'm afraid of getting deeper into this isolation bullshit. I miss you, and I miss you caring to try to know me. But, in your eyes, I've lost my appeal as well...

I'm sorry I took so damn long... And thank you for loving me and waiting for me to come to this realization. Only took about... two years? Love you mucho mi amo <3

emo bitch

feeling disconnected from everything at this point... that shit never used to bother me before but now that stewart dont' even talk to me no more this isolation shit's getting pretty intense. my negative attitude kind of intertwines with that isolation shit so i'm kinda in a downwarding spiral rite now. pillz and booze and buddah used to fill the void but my body's fucking worn out.
and my brain/backneck always makes these goddamn sizzling noises. i dont know what that shit means but i don't give a fuck. the girls are going out to the bars tonite but i have a date with my bed and my polsci textbook. peace and love webfolks

Needing Therapy for Retail Therapy

Over the weekend I headed back to Queens for my sibs' birthdays. On his birthday, Christopher told me that he misses my dad and my heart sunk into my stomach. Towards the end of the night we found Christopher's black DS, the DS that my dad bought for Christopher last summer, and I told him that it was a gift from his didi in heaven.
So I'm back on campus now and I finally have a laptop. It's not a good thing. I'm constantly window-shopping via the internet and I'm flat-broke. I'm going to have to find a job tomorrow, amongst a huge number of errands I have to run, so I can buy all the shit I need. I'm kind of obsessed with Hellz Bellz and MTTM at the moment, but we know that will last for a week. I love the hints of female empowerment behind the tees, and I love Lanie's POV's! So I'm adding all these new "fresh to death" blogs on my google reader and during the process I realized that I have a million blogs that I never read. Since I'm trying to lead this NCO life, I had to delete 75% of my blogs. I narrowed it down to blogs that have high-quality photos and high-quality fashion. Although, these blogs don't really have text... and I'm going to miss reading the average bloggers' daily findings/stories/etc. But I'm getting older and it's time to put that petty bullshit aside. Darn.





(I'm still keeping Fops and Dandies, in case she ever comes back to the blogging world from damn Chicago.)

Talkin' Shit

I went out on Tuesday night. Yes, I walked home drunk in the snow. It was a pretty dead night though and my week got progressively worse. For starters, Elizabeth is not the person you'd want in your pre-gaming group. But it's not like there's anybody in New Paltz that could substitute for her. Speaking of the students at New Paltz, O-M-G I hate them! Sucking up is the biggest sport here, and they only play that shit so they won't have to sit alone in the dining hall or go to the bars on their own. Do they even enjoy their company? Well maybe I'm just a Debbie Downer. Also, I'm as sick as a dog. My head, throat, and nose are killing me! Especially the skin under my nose... Puffs is not helping me right now. So to make up for the horrible week, I tried to dress nicer. Because looking good always makes me feel good. Now I just realize I'm a shallow bitch and the emptiness can't be filled with strangers' compliments anymore. I'm not a happy camper right now. Thank God I'm going home to be reunited with my family.
Lately I've been feeling mad depressed and shit. But it's time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself. It's time for me to stop depending on others to push me, especially Stewart. I don't even think he's on the same level as I am and who knows what he wants to do with his life... I don't even think he goes to school since he's smoking all the god damn time. If he can't do time management how can he even handle a steady job? Okay I'll stop whining. The only way I can stop complaining about my crappy life is if I actually do something about it... and I guess I'll start with my grades. Maybe I'll start reading the novels my International Politics teacher recommended................................................Oh boy, let's see how this goes.

Orion Mountain Dreamer

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams,
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic,
or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when its not pretty every day,
and if you can source your life from God's presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone,
and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are,
how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the Fire with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. "

Fresh Start. 2010.

I know my life has consisted of small bursts of soap operas, but I'm trying to stop being so... melodramatic. Albeit, I was voted biggest drama queen. So it's my first week back on campus and I have no phone or laptop. But I'm kind of liking it because there's nothing I'd want to do on facebook 24/7 anyway. Actually, I really don't care about how other people choose to portray themselves through the internet. As for the people I truly do care about, I'm curious to know the daily struggles to go through so I can support them in whatever way possible. Such as my sister, my mom, my family, Stewart, Janet, etc. I want people that I find interesting, and that I love and care about, to surround me for me to see how we all grow and change throughout life. Maybe I've been spending too much time with Kristen throughout my whole teenage years... Haha. I don't care to pass through all the "cliques" that are similar to mine. Pretty girls, families that earn a decent living, boys and "partying" (Some people wouldn't know a good party if it bit them in the ass). I wouldn't mind just having a bunch of genuine friends, and having chats about our different lives in the city. I remember living in the city as: Studying alone, working alone, eating alone, but still being surrounded people who actually have goals and don't mind doing individual tasks to reach their goal. Adults in New York City. That's where I wish to be. As for now, I'm content with loading on more work than I can handle and slaving away hours to New Paltz's crappy ass library. S-M-H!