Stewart

I feel so bad. I never stepped back to look at how you're feeling because I'm just this stubborn strongly-opinionated bitch that's living in a world that resolves around myself. I never took the time to appreciate you for loving me when it must be so hard to love somebody that's constantly thinking about their own self, life, and future. But i don't think it's always been like this... I kind of blame you for the problem at hand.

It's so hard to keep our relationship like ours healthy, especially a 4-year one. When I met you, you were a boy that found pleasure in the simplest things in life (I kind of robbed you of that). I've never seen a cute boy, stunting with soooo much fucking swag, with your award winning smile that didn't scream "look at my ego". And your confident introduction, "youz a sexy", won me over. At that point I envisioned you to be a brave man with confidence, that wouldn't let anything get in the way of getting what he wanted. After we started dating, I showed you what success felt like. And in doing so I showed you that I really wasn't your typical girl(Don't blame me for that shit because I warned you from the get-go). You saw me as a girl that would do anything to succeed, and knew how to do it. I appeared to be very well-rounded with my smile and my daily new bags/outfits. You can correct me if I'm wrong but, when you saw that 90 on your report card you knew that I was doing something right. I never thought of circumstances like that to be detrimental to our relationship, but they are. Babe, you let me step into your life and show you how to lead it. In my opinion, nobody has ever pushed you to be the best. The more I fiddle into the way you live your life, the more you back away from it. I'm sorry, I never knew I was silencing you out from the rules of your own life. That's never what I intended to do! In fact, that's the last thing I'd want you to do.I'm just a little controlling because i never want you to stop being your best. I want you to have your own mission and strive for that shit. I want you to have strong opinions, and to back that shit up with smart, factual logic. I want you to have your own dreams, except dream bigger. I want you to work harder than you could ever even imagine. I want us to inspire each other and always try to do big shit, the way all-star power couples are like. Because aren't we supposed to push out the best of each other?

Most importantly, I want you to put me in check. You let me get away with shit that ain't fly. Allowing me to get away with cheating is not okay. And I have a tendency of saying some OD reckless shit. (Although, the partying when you're not available IS acceptable.) You let me get away with that because I say that I'm doing me and I can't change it. I never realized it was my way of crying for help. I want to see if you could outsmart me... to give me that positive perspective of life. The positive perspective I got from your glowing smile. Where did that luster go?

Ironically my negative attitude is like a disease I spread to you, when I envisioned you to be my vaccine. It's ultimately my fault for the way the two of us become--Me: a spoiled brat that never thinks about the consequences of my actions; And, you: a lesser version of yourself. I'm sorry for hurting us, i'm sorry for you constantly telling me this and me not even attempting to listen. I'm sorry for the effect my cheating had on your view of me.

I'm sorry for not understanding why you weren't there after my father's death. I present my life to you in a way that makes it seem like I'm very hard to please. Like, I'm living in my own elite world and you're not going through this shit so what the fuck would you know about it. What the fuck were you supposed to do after my father's death? That shit doesn't even happen like, I still can't even believe that was real life. I never talked to you about my feelings because I was just caught up in myself. I never even realized how it must have affected you. You were discovering the horrible truths hidden in the life of an admirable Indonesian Business Man. I believe that your 2-week absence was my fault because I constantly tell you to let me deal with my issues on my own. I don't want to place a burden on you. All i want to do is just be with you. The boy that knew the right spots to hit (emotionally, sexually, and stomachly) to let me know that somebody cares about me. Somebody that cares to know about me. Somebody cares about making me happy in the smallest way possible. But, in trying to perfect you, all I do is point out each of your flaws to nag you in every possible way. Basically what I'm saying is, if I didn't mess you up we wouldn't be messed up. Because I don't need your perfection, I don't need you to be an anal bitch like me. All I want, and all i enjoy, from you is... you. And I've pushed your 'you' aside. Babe come back to me and give me the spanking I need. Stop letting me silence you out and stop letting me win. You spoil me too damn much.
I love you boo and I'm always going to. You're always what I need to give me that warm feeling in my stomach, not this icebox where my heart used to be. I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold... and you're the only one that can light my fire. For real talk.

I really do want to get out of this "elite" mind phase because it's too fucking lonely. I'm getting deeper into this isolation which is causing me to have more deep, hurt, suppressed feelings. The longer we go without having a deep-substantial talk, the more I'm afraid of getting deeper into this isolation bullshit. I miss you, and I miss you caring to try to know me. But, in your eyes, I've lost my appeal as well...

I'm sorry I took so damn long... And thank you for loving me and waiting for me to come to this realization. Only took about... two years? Love you mucho mi amo <3